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At the Ancient Citadel in Hue, Vietnam
In October 2010, I unburied my very small nest egg of $10,000.
In December 2010, I packed one bag. I moved someplace tropical on a one-way ticket.
And the month leading up to my birthday, I was on an amazing holiday – traveling through Vietnam and Laos without an itinerary or an end-date.
I retired.
I retired so that I could look at myself in the mirror on my 25th birthday and give myself an extraordinary gift.
I gave myself permission.
To do what is in my heart to do. To live on my own terms. To enjoy along the way.
But wait! How can you retire!? You haven’t done anything that makes you worthy enough to retire!
Come back here.
You haven’t earned it yet.
Outraged at the very thought, so many voices called after me as I walked out the door.
Ahhh, yes. And here is exactly what I am retiring from.
I am retiring from the idea that I have to earn permission to enjoy my life.
I was raised to believe in hard work. I am damn good at it, too. Straight-A Student. All my life I’ve been diligently practicing.
Even by the 4th grade, Ms. McVay bestowed upon me an end-of-the-year award appropriately titled “The Archeological Award.”
For my outstanding ability to ‘dig into hard work.’
If you’re not endlessly working, if it doesn’t feel like a struggle, if you’re not pushing yourself hard – then you’re not doing enough
You’re not earning your keep.
You’re not earning your living.
You’re not earning your life.
If you aren’t working hard, what are you worth?
I had it in my head for a long time that if I didn’t work myself sick (literally sick) then I would never get ‘there.’ I would never get to that place that made me worthy.
A place I imagined where I could finally breathe easily.
Where I had time and space to play, to explore, to travel, to create art.
Where I could experience my life with enjoyment, without someone else’s strict time-clock and bottom line.
I honestly thought that if I didn’t save the entire world that I would never have done anything in my life that would make me deserving of love. That I wouldn’t be worthy of receiving the kindness that I feel so compelled to give.
Don't Let the Turkeys Get You Down
And so, I suffered. My health. My heart. My relationships. My very ability to work, to give, to contribute. I was a mess because I had concluded, according to all of these rules, that I was no good.
I didn’t think I would ever be able to do enough to become good enough. I felt worthlessness on an epic level.
Enter: the grace of a single idea.
A divinely compassionate rationale.
A different way to see it.
And it goes like this.
I am good enough. Right now.
I am already worthy.
Intrinsically.
I don’t have to ‘do’ anything to be worthy. I just am.
Because I exist, I am. Because I am a person, I am.
Because I breathe in and out. Like you. I am.
I don’t have to save the world to be loved.
And I don’t deserve to suffer.
Who I am now is good enough.
I am good enough.
And – more than enough.
It is not going to happen later on after I work hard, or that all of a sudden I become ‘deserving.’
There is no one standing at the end of the line to say – You met all the requirements! Congratulations, you are now allowed to enjoy the experience of your life.
How old would I be by then? And what would I have missed?
So here I am. Twenty five years old. And I am retiring the old ideas.
The ideas that hold me away from the truth that I am enough.
The ideas that disconnect me, that put distance between me and the amazingness of the world and of my life.
These ideas are no longer invited to the party. I’m rearranging the guest-list and checking those sketchy characters at the door.
Who-I-Should-Be is not on the list.
Perfection can go on and bother someone else.
The Good-Enough-Girl is outta here. The one who never thought she was.
The one who tried to be good at everything because she thought she needed to be.
Guilt won’t be hanging around anymore, either.
Either/Or is not coming to the party. Adios. No more decisions that begin and end with the idea that you can either be one thing or the other.
And to be deeply honest, these characters won’t be missed.
Because I feel really ridiculously good about my ‘retirement.’
Like the I-didn’t-know-it-was-even-possible-to-feel-this-good kind of good.
My god, this whole experience is way too amazing to spend time feeling any other way about it.
In fact, I feel quite clever…like I figured out the secret to the game with all the time still left on the clock.
I feel bold, and I feel fortunate.
I feel endlessly amazed at this chance to course-correct…a chance I have mindfully created for myself by doing my ‘inner work’ and by asking for help and kindness from others along the way.
Some people might be thinking, Well that’s great Brittany that you’re young and naïve and declaring retirement before you’ve earned it, but your 10K ‘nest egg’ is going to run out in 2 months and you’ll be back here singing a different tune.
I don’t think so.
Here’s why. Here’s the best part about my mini-retirement.
Guess what happens when you have time and space and energy and freedom and passion and wholeheartedness and good health and adventure and travel and creativity.
I just freed up every part of myself to create something. Something remarkable. Something valuable. And that means…something people will want to pay me for.
Something I don’t have to sacrifice my time or my beliefs or my dreams for.
Something that, in fact, builds off of all of these things.
Sunset on New Year's Eve in Laos
How do I know it’s going to work? I don’t.
But I’m betting every last dollar on it because I think there is nothing in the world that could be more worth the risk.
I’ve got nothing left to lose…and I have a sneaky feeling that is how great things happen.
I have a sneaking feeling this is also how epic fails happen.
Time will tell.
Let’s see what happens.
